Couple of weeks doing the work to belong to myself. I ran away last weekend for a quick camping trip to Big Bend National Park—reading, meditating, stargazing, and cleaving my body to a big rock to take in the whole of the roof of sky. And staying warm in the car with my new Master Class subscription.
To wit, RuPaul and a lesson on seeing yourself and finding belonging. He tells a story of childhood trauma and the work to heal his inner child. How do we heal all the ways we are deprived of belonging—purposefully or by accident or through unmindful behavior? How do we rewrite the narrative of our pain and repair our hearts? RuPaul invites us to bring all our love and kindness to our younger selves, and see our value then and now and always.
Besser Van Der Kolk is a therapist and scientist who wrote a book about trauma called The Body Keeps the Score. With decades of research data and clinical observations, he demonstrates how trauma literally rewires the brain and impedes the body—crippling physical impacts from a constant sense of danger and helplessness. The most stunning takeaway for me from his brilliant analysis and hopeful prescription for therapeutic interventions, is his expansive definition of trauma—yes, physical and verbal and sexual abuse are tragically commonplace, but also there is benign neglect. A child who grows up without the sanctuary of love and safety, without a sense of belonging to those closest, also experiences the neurobiological changes of trauma. A sense of belonging is critical to every aspect of our being.
So to go deeper with Maya Angelou’s idea of belonging to ourselves, I think this is a necessary first step—before we can belong to others or offer deep, sincere belonging.
Those of us who grew up with a sense of belonging in our family of birth have a leg up in belonging to ourselves. The security of an early sense of belonging provided to us teaches us that this is a natural and desirable state—necessary for flourishing. Others who in some way didn’t fit into their original family’s idea of acceptability have had a challenging path of finding families-of-choice—people who love and foster their sense of self-belonging and group-belonging.
Belonging is work. It is the work of our lives. Belonging to ourselves. Letting ourselves belong to others. Inviting others into belonging.